Desperation and where's the light?
I’m hurting so much its not even funny. I just feel as if I have lost total control of my life: church, my friends. I have lost myself and I desperately need to find the real me back. I need to regain whatever I have lost, I need to so damn badly.
I’m hurting because I’m afraid. So afraid of what’s happening now. So afraid of the many things that have happened this week. I feel like a coward, a weakling. I want to run back and hide in mummy’s arms. But i know if I do that, I will never ever grow up.
I started hurting so badly when I read your blog post today. Reminded me of everything that happened. D, your words echoed mine. Both your words echoed mine. Words I never once actually mentioned. The fact that I can get so hurt by someone who understands me so much just scares me.
I feel so afraid for you Y. I want you to let it go. I want you to learn to let people into your life. I want you to be able to get hurt. I want you to realise that in a relationship getting hurt is worth it so long as you really do care about the other party. I have gotten hurt once in sec 3, you have too, the one that split our clique up? Remember? Of course you do, the amount of pain we went through together just made it so fresh in my head. I’m getting hurt again. It hurts so badly but its okay, she’s my best friend and I think its worth the hurt. But you can’t take it anymore can you? Do you know it really scares me how you can be so adamnant about something that involves D. I know its just the fear of having to go through the hurt that is stopping you from doing alot of things. I do believe that she’s worth the hurt. Painful as it will get, its all worth it. I miss us very terribly. I hate having to cry on my own. I hate it especially now.
I have been failing. And i hate it. I don’t like this feeling of failure. I don’t do failures. Why is everything failing so badly now? What have I been doing with my life this year? What have I accomplished. Was giving up the exco position what I should have done? Its no time for regrets, no my apologies, there’s no point in regretting now. What’s done done.
To another you. I’m afraid because I’m confused. Do you know what I want exactly? Do you know how much I’m afraid of losing you? Do you know that because of that, I’ve been constantly reminding myself what I want to do with my life. I have been trying to keep myself focused. But its not working, please don’t ever mention it again, help me will you? You know what, I feel quite worried for you. I don’t know why. I saw that picture. I wonder how you hold up. If that ever happened to me, I would feel so crushed. But close as we may be, we never ever do talk about that. I just wonder how you actually are. Beneath all those smiles and everything, I wonder if you’re hurting badly. I do love you, and you know that right?
My life’s in ruins. I feel so messed up. I need someone to catch me, hold me down and talk to me. Get my life back in order. I need to be in control of things. I have never felt like this before. I feel so insecure its amazing how confident I was feeling just 2 hours ago.
I want to be a little girl all over again. I want to be able to be protected. I want to be able to feel safe and free from hurt. I want to live in a world full of happiness, sun, strawberries and fun. I think I want too many things for my own good. I’m just too idealistic right? I have got to grow up don’t I?
I want to talk to mummy but she’s busy helping Carman, I can’t give her added stress. And daddy is away. Plus I don’t think daddy can actually help me much. I just need to see daddy and for him to tell me everything will be alright.
I need God back in my life.
20 more mins to seeing daddy.
